Dear ShakeUp Team,
So after watching Empire last night, I feel like I’m finally ready to tell this story. I am so fucking confused and still don’t really know what the hell happened. I obviously have no experience with drugs outside of alcohol, and can’t really say that I had ever been sexually attracted to guys before.
I was at a hot tub party with a group of friends. This guy is I guess what you’d call an acquaintance through friends, as in I’ve hung out with him lots in the group but never really one on one. I was drinking but wasn’t wasted or anything. At the end of the night everyone else had gone home and I was thinking of getting out of the hot tub and getting a cab as well (it was his place) but he asked if I wanted to smoke a joint with him. I’d always kind of wanted to try smoking, and we were kind of making good conversation so I also saw it as an opportunity to maybe make friends with the guy so I agreed.
I was kind of unprepared and had no idea how much a person should smoke for the first time. I have a fairly high tolerance for alcohol so I guess I always assumed I’d be one of those people who wouldn’t get high easily on my first time. So I smoked quite a bit, and it hit me fairly quickly.
I started feeling really paranoid about random stuff. I think it’s worth mentioning that this guy is quite good looking, and is well aware of it. He’s in very good shape, and his being well endowed is kind of a going joke within our group…he doesn’t really brag about it in an arrogant way or anything, he just kinda uses it as a “party trick” or something and always wears either underwear, or a speedo in the hot tub to try make people feel uncomfortable for laughs.
So I was sitting there trying to keep it together while he was sitting up on the edge of the hot tub in his speedo. He’d be talking, and I would try to maintain eye contact but kept looking down at his bulge. Of course, any time I would glance down at it, I would be instantly paranoid that he noticed and would be afraid to make eye contact with him. I’d never been turned on by him or his body before, the most I would say was that I was impressed by it…not attracted to it. This time, however, I was definitely feeling turned on by it. It was overwhelming, I couldn’t stop looking down at his bulge and his abs and had an incredible urge to see him naked. I was absolutely terrified that he knew this or that he could tell I was checking him out, and was paranoid that he was going to tell everyone about it and it would be a never ending joke for the rest of my life.
He started talking about sex, and how he’s the most turned on has the best orgasms when he’s high. I think at that point he knew I was checking him out and that’s why he started on up that subject. His bulge had grown exponentially…like to the point of looking painful crammed into his speedo. At that point I don’t even think I was aware when I was looking at it anymore. He joked that it was getting really uncomfortable and re-arranged his dick so most of it was sticking out the top of his waistband. I can’t even describe what that felt like…my heart was beating so hard. I was so attracted to it. After that and some silence, he just flat out told me that he’s kind of bi, and that if I wanted to try anything to just do it. He said he’d keep my secret if I kept his.
Within probably 10 seconds I had crossed to his side of the tub had his speedo down, and was sucking on him. It was so hot…like probably the most turned on I’ve ever been. Even as I’m typing it I’m rock hard thinking about how hot it was. When he came I swear I was seeing stars I was so overwhelmed.
After that, we got out and I took a cab home. The more I started to come down, the more I couldn’t believe what had happened. This morning when I woke up and the alcohol factor was gone too…I was even more in disbelief. I’m not really afraid of him telling anyone…because I don’t think he wants anyone to know about him. I am a little worried about what it’ll be like facing him though. I’m confused as fuck as to what this means about my sexuality. Like captain obvious would say that I sucked a guy’s dick and liked it. What seems so crazy though is that before then I’d never thought about doing it at all. I DEFINITELY never thought I would ever be so turned on by doing something like tasting and swallowing another guy’s cum. All of that… Because I am trying to figure out WAS I TURNED OUT? Did this just happen? What did I project to make this dude think this was okay.